Just a picture

Tell me he's supposed to fit in here for 6 more weeks how???

Nesting

Finally! We got to paint the nursery today!!! :-D
The Father in law (Jay's dad) and Mother-in-law (Jay's Step Mom) came down today and helped. There is still some touch up work to do, but I am quite excited.

The dresser is almost finished being sanded (it was an old dresser Jay's grandpa made), Mom has found a small dresser to double as a changing table, and I plan to get fabric for valances tomorrow. I am also going to look for a rocker/recliner.

Here are some pics of the progress so far:

It's getting close to the final stretch!

In our birthing class, they teach us about the "emotional signposts" of labor. First, you have anticipation and maybe even excitement. I figure I won't even count this as "labor," because I don't know if I'll be able to really tell it apart from all the braxton-hicks I have. Then, you get "serious," and don't really want to be messed with. This is the part where I'm praying that Jay, our practice, and our dear friend Sarah will be able to help me stay relaxed and calm... to let my uterus do the work, rather than myself. The third stage is what I think of as the freak out/give me drugs/I can't do this! stage. They call it "self-doubt." This is where I want Jay, Sarah, and whoever else is around (doc and nurses) to remind me that my body knows what it's doing, and I'll be fine, and I'm almost done!

Anyway...
Tangent.
I'm thinking that pregnancy needs stages too.
The first stage -- nothing is really real, and you want a belly (what was I thinking???), and since I felt like puking a good deal of the time, I decided that maybe adoption was really best for us for any future children. The concept of being "pregnant" was very ambiguous, abstract, and difficult to conceptualize most of the time. It just translated to: "I'm tired, and I hate feeling like I'm car-sick all the time, but can never get out of the car."

Next time I'm in this stage, I will remember to sleep on my back and stomach for as long as possible.

The second stage of pregnancy is more glowy. I really did love the belly (still do, but with a couple caveats now). I had a *bit* more energy (not completely like normal), but this is when the baby starts kicking and wiggling and making the belly look like it has been controlled by strange alien forces trying to get out. I will add that having Christmas and the holidays during this time was wonderful... I could still fit food, and not feel as guilty for indulging. Mmmmm...
I was a bit different than some other moms I listen to. I did not want to rush this stage at all. I liked the boy in the belly, cozy and secure. I didn't feel anxious about him because I could feel him wiggle all the time (unlike at the beginning, where the sound of their little heartbeat every 4 weeks is blissful), and in general felt very happy with where he was, and the fact that I was taking care of him. Labor and Delivery were still very scary, and could stay as far removed as possible.

Now we're in the third stage. The part that is troublesome isn't so much the feeling huge, it's the inability to maneuver, and the fact that my joints HURT! My shoulders and hips and back... I have carpal tunnel in my wrist, and my feet throb if I'm on them for too much. I don't feel strong, I just feel heavy. I laugh when my doc says to "watch my weight," because the LAST thing I want to do is carry around another pound!

If it wasn't for this man moving his little self around, I think I'd be a bit miserable. But he makes me smile and laugh multiple times/day.

He has this funny little habit of either: a) fighting back when his space is imposed upon or b) trying to connect with the outside world. I am not sure of his motivation, but it is hilarious. I will put my hand (or the doggie will rest her chin, or I'll be carrying something, or I'll be laying against the belly) on him, and very soon, he will find the exact spot of pressure and push back. I'll move the hand, give him a few seconds or a minute, and he'll push back again! It makes me laugh. Maybe he's like his mama, and just likes to be comfy... or maybe he wants to say hi... I don't know. :)

But, I am getting ready to meet him. My emotions are changing from "he can stay as long as he needs to," to "I hope he comes a bit early!" Not only do I miss sleeping on my back and stomach, and having my joints remain in their position, but I'm getting ready. I want to love him and hold him and see if his daddy has the same calming effect on him outside of the womb, as he seems to while this little one is inside.

Here are some pictures of the recent days:
This one with my dad... I finally passed him up, at 32 weeks!
Here's Elli's new favorite begging spot:
And here are some of the many onesies we received at my little shower last weekend in Redding! I think we have plenty!

29 weeks...and thank goodness for the FFN test

Getting bigger, but not big enough. ;)

Yesterday, I spent a few hours in the Labor & Delivery unit at our hospital. I have a lot of contractions normally, but yesterday was especially active. My doc wants no more than 6 in an hour at this point; I was having 15 or more an hour for 3 straight hours... they were every 2-5 minutes from when I started timing them at 8:00 am until they unhooked me at 2:00 something.

At the hospital, they checked my cervix (still tight and closed), and gave me what is called a fetal fibronectin test. If it comes back negative, the chances of going in to labor are around 1% in the next 2 weeks; positive -- well, I would be on bed-rest and off work. :P I'm not quite ready for that, so I was grateful for the negative. Now, I just have to go in if the cx's change (i.e. become painful or have something else unusual with them).

My proof of the third trimester

Here I am at 26 weeks...

The up and outs...

Holy third trimester Batman!

Since last week, life for me has changed significantly. It is weird how closely it coincided with my dates... even though it shouldn't be.

I go on walks now, and it is contraction after contraction after contraction... like crazy! They're just Braxton-Hicks, but still -- bizarre. Don't worry, I have talked to my doc, and I'm just not allowed to walk for long time at once. I usually just take the dog for about 20 minutes.

Putting on my shoes is a major chore. I can't bend over my belly, and my arms are too short! I get very out of breath from the whole ordeal, and have to laugh at myself.

I've developed something of a 4:30 am routine. I have to tinkle for the 3rd or 4th time, but then I can't get back to sleep. Two nights ago, I woke up crying... and I have no idea why. Jay let me snuggle over by him, which calmed me back down rather quickly. Then last night, my shoulders and arms were falling asleep so bad. So I went and got a fuzzy blanket, put it on the floor, and with pillows to prop up my hip and arm, did a half on my stomach-half on my side pose for the rest of the night. I fell back asleep pretty quickly thankfully.

This Sunday, we will have our first Bradley class. The teacher is also a certified doula who has offered her services with the class tuition; I am very grateful for this opportunity, should we decide we like her and the idea of extra-support come d-day. I've been working on all the stretches, with the helpful reminders of Jay. He is taking his "coach" role quite seriously. :)

We made a new addition to our driveway as well... much to my surprise. We went to "look" on Sunday, and came home with a new Veracruz. It was in our budget thankfully... it looks like the bottom one here, but silver (not my favorite color). I must say, I LOVE the seat warmers. :)

some thoughts on gender

Many of you know that, at the beginning of this pregnancy, I was calling our little one, "she." When I saw the first sonogram, my insides screamed, "There she is." Sarah H, of all people, was even thinking we had a girl -- it was her "feeling."

So at the sono, when the tech said she thought he was a boy, I was a bit taken aback -- somewhat sad, somewhat surprised, and somewhat scared. This was all of course mingled with the joy and beauty of seeing a perfectly formed in miniature face, hand, spine, and leg on the screen. But I still felt like I had lost something.

Paying homage to the over-analyzer that I am, I began reflecting on where this *girl* idea came from in the first place, because as became obvious that day, I had no idea. Because I know I can't blame the entire feeling on Sarah, I looked for other sources. And I found a few.
1) Girls are more novel in our family. There just was a new nephew born on my side, and on Jay's side, the only grandson is that -- a grandSON. Grandpa J was hoping for a little girl... which made Jay excited about a little girl -- and alas, I created a little girl. Which brings me to my second reason:

2) I didn't want to bond to an "it." I became at times slightly frustrated with the gender differentiation of pronouns within the English language during the early stages of this pregnancy. In Chinese, though in writing the characters for "he" and "she" are different -- he, she, and it are all pronounced the same way. This would really be more convenient for little beings in utero.

3) A long story that had to do with when my mom was pregnant with me... there was a part of me that wanted to "complete the circle" so to speak. My mom has been so exceptional to me while pregnant, particularly when every cooking smell made me want to vomit, and that just wasn't what she received when she was pregnant with me. I felt that she was redeeming an old wound. A little girl seemed to fit in to that scenario of my mind more appropriately.

But that wasn't all... and I knew it... and that's what I've been working on:
4) Gender bias.
- I have brothers... only... and always wanted a sister.
- The boys at school get a far higher percentage of low grades than the girl... I think a part of me gets exasperated by this.
- Boys just scare me sometimes. For many, complicated reasons.
- In most countries of the world, people want boys only, and neglect or kill girls. I like having nothing to do with those kinds of mentalities.

But now I have some different thoughts. They became very obvious to me after a sono tech acquaintance of mine voiced doubt regarding the gender shot we were given.

I am becoming more and more attached to this little boy by the day. I would no longer want him to change back in to a girl. I am proud to be part of raising the next generation of fathered men. I am grateful that my little guy will be given a daily example of what being a loving and hard-working man is...
I think it's incredible that he gets to grow up among tractors, dirt, and family.

My dreams for him grow increasingly tangible, but mostly center on him becoming a man of faith, character, strength, and compassion.

I find it remarkable how my mind-set has shifted from fear and apprehension to confidence and great joy.

And I am also grateful that in this country, we love our little girls and boys.