some thoughts on gender

Many of you know that, at the beginning of this pregnancy, I was calling our little one, "she." When I saw the first sonogram, my insides screamed, "There she is." Sarah H, of all people, was even thinking we had a girl -- it was her "feeling."

So at the sono, when the tech said she thought he was a boy, I was a bit taken aback -- somewhat sad, somewhat surprised, and somewhat scared. This was all of course mingled with the joy and beauty of seeing a perfectly formed in miniature face, hand, spine, and leg on the screen. But I still felt like I had lost something.

Paying homage to the over-analyzer that I am, I began reflecting on where this *girl* idea came from in the first place, because as became obvious that day, I had no idea. Because I know I can't blame the entire feeling on Sarah, I looked for other sources. And I found a few.
1) Girls are more novel in our family. There just was a new nephew born on my side, and on Jay's side, the only grandson is that -- a grandSON. Grandpa J was hoping for a little girl... which made Jay excited about a little girl -- and alas, I created a little girl. Which brings me to my second reason:

2) I didn't want to bond to an "it." I became at times slightly frustrated with the gender differentiation of pronouns within the English language during the early stages of this pregnancy. In Chinese, though in writing the characters for "he" and "she" are different -- he, she, and it are all pronounced the same way. This would really be more convenient for little beings in utero.

3) A long story that had to do with when my mom was pregnant with me... there was a part of me that wanted to "complete the circle" so to speak. My mom has been so exceptional to me while pregnant, particularly when every cooking smell made me want to vomit, and that just wasn't what she received when she was pregnant with me. I felt that she was redeeming an old wound. A little girl seemed to fit in to that scenario of my mind more appropriately.

But that wasn't all... and I knew it... and that's what I've been working on:
4) Gender bias.
- I have brothers... only... and always wanted a sister.
- The boys at school get a far higher percentage of low grades than the girl... I think a part of me gets exasperated by this.
- Boys just scare me sometimes. For many, complicated reasons.
- In most countries of the world, people want boys only, and neglect or kill girls. I like having nothing to do with those kinds of mentalities.

But now I have some different thoughts. They became very obvious to me after a sono tech acquaintance of mine voiced doubt regarding the gender shot we were given.

I am becoming more and more attached to this little boy by the day. I would no longer want him to change back in to a girl. I am proud to be part of raising the next generation of fathered men. I am grateful that my little guy will be given a daily example of what being a loving and hard-working man is...
I think it's incredible that he gets to grow up among tractors, dirt, and family.

My dreams for him grow increasingly tangible, but mostly center on him becoming a man of faith, character, strength, and compassion.

I find it remarkable how my mind-set has shifted from fear and apprehension to confidence and great joy.

And I am also grateful that in this country, we love our little girls and boys.

I hope he gets his daddy's good looks!

This Thanksgiving, my Mother-in-law got out Jay's baby album for me...
Have you ever seen a cuter kid?
I hope our little guy gets his daddy's good looks!

The cutest thing is that he had a huge grin in almost every picture. :)
Apparently he was a happy little one.





(This last one here is my favorite)

Check him out!

So much for a mother's intuition!

I will see my baby tomorrow...

And I've been a complete excited/anxious/nervous wreck!

It's like having this sonogram tomorrow makes the whole thing more real or something. There's a part of me that doesn't want it to be over either... so if it comes tomorrow, then I don't get to see this little one for (Lord willing) about 20 more weeks.

I have a feeling tomorrow morning will bring many happy tears.

Jay gets to be in charge of all disclosure of tomorrow's results, since he is being a sweetheart and letting me find out (so long as baby decides to be forthcoming)... so I cannot promise any immediate announcements... but I doubt I'll be sleeping much tonight.

Here are some pictures of the next little mini-quilts I finished. I now have 2 girl ones completed, and 1 boy... we'll see if I have 1 or 2 more to make after tomorrow. :) The belly is at just shy of 19 weeks.

To find out... or not to find out...

Monday, I have my "big sono." I'll be just a smidge shy of 19 weeks...

And I still don't know whether or not to peek at the baby. :(
I want to... Jay doesn't.

I believe that births are kind-of anti-climactic for everyone else when they already know the gender, BUT I think the pregnancy will be more exciting for me if I know. BUT Jay doesn't want to know. I hate the feeling that I'm robbing him of something.

If he didn't read me so well, we might have the option of me finding out and him not, but he doesn't want that more than he doesn't want to know.

I am so torn. I wish there was a way I could find out without feeling guilty. I wish we agreed.

He has agreed to find out for me, but again, he doesn't want to.

*sigh*

Practice mini quilt

We don't know if she's a she... it's just my instinct.

Today I made a mini practice quilt.
I tried free-hand quilting, a lace trim (which I cut off because I didn't like it), various embroidery stitches, etc.

Even with all that craziness, I'd say it still turned out pretty well... AND it accomplished its purpose of letting me get in some practice.

I *might* find another purpose for it later down the road.

Here are some pictures. :)

I have material to make a boy practice quilt too. Just haven't got to it yet.
OH -- the back is a striped minky... very soft. :)

a little more than chubby

On Monday, Jay and I were in Chico, and standing across from a little girl in the clothing table section. I'd guess her to be about four years old.

As we were browsing opposite ends of the clothing display, I overheard her say, "Mommy, that lady's going to have a baby." I smiled as her mom shushed her quickly. Apparently my status was more obvious to the little one than to her mommy.

At my last doctor appointment, the scale showed a gain of 7 pounds over 5.5 weeks. BUT -- that was due to the fact that I was wearing shoes, jeans, a sweater, and other under layers. At my previous doctor visit, I wore a sundress and flip-flops. He gave me a bit of a warning to watch my weight gain, and I was quite irked, to say the least. What man hasn't learned that you don't scold a woman about her weight? ;)

I think I was irked because I was finally feeling good about the fact that I was eating real food again, in normal quantities! I've been worried about my previous eating, which wasn't exactly balanced, due to the fact that so many random items made me gag and yak.

So I told him it was the shoes. Which I am NOT wearing at my next weigh-in. :)

PS. I've only gained 8 pounds over the last 17 weeks... on my scale, which I weigh myself on in the morning.

Mommy at 15.5 weeks

I'll have to post a new picture again soon... but this is my tummy at 15 weeks and 1 day -- October 30, 2008.

(Please pay no attention to the pile of laundry behind me)

*Her* first picture

Here is the picture of the sonogram from 9 weeks. It really is a terrible picture... there were some that were much better, but the doc didn't print those out for us.

You could see little hands and feet moving... so amazing.

As soon as I saw the sono, my insides shouted at me "There she is!"

My instincts absolutely believe 'girl,' but we of course don't know for sure. Hopefully we will find out in a couple weeks.

some funny stuff going on

I don't think anyone reads this blog... I don't even usually. I just wanted to make a record (I know, I should get a journal)...

Yesterday, 2 dpo, I had a weird metallic taste all day. Today it's not as strong, or I'm more used to it...

hmmmm....